Anxiety is the real monster

My parents never really taught me to fear ghosts or monsters. My dad, in particular, have always said that our fear of anything results from not knowing (I've written about this before, you may read it here) or understanding. That, if I happen to see a ghost or monster, I should be curious and inspect it and try to understand. I grew up with a mission to stop and analyze almost everything I have the potential to fear.

"Social Anxiety" by Lightisfar on deviantart.com

Recently, I've had to deal with a lot of pressure. I've been in this job, my first actual job, for a few weeks now, and the pressure is starting to dawn on me. I've met with a lot of other different types and amounts of pressure in my 20 years, but it's different out here in the “real world” simply because it's not just me who's involved. My work now affects a lot of other people in ways that are different from when I was in college or some other setting.

I don't easily crack under pressure. I'd like to think I still have a long way to go before I do. Everyone who knows me and sees me do anything knows this. If there's anything I'm consistent with, it's bullshitting my way out of things and keeping my head together. I'm anxious a lot of times, but almost never about my work. I'm fairly confident about myself and whatever I'm doing.

Which is why it's getting really tough to wrap my head around why I feel so anxious about this job. Well, according to Freud anyway, neurotic anxiety is apprehension to unknown danger. But that's the thing-- I already know why the job is pressuring, and I already have a pretty good picture in my head describing it, so it's not that really “unknown”.

So why am I still anxious? I know there's a pretty good chance I'll never find out; on the other hand, I'd really like to bet that I'm going to find out. I guess I just need a little more time.