A Version

Late Night Thoughts – Midnight of June 24^th 2015

I wrote this last night. It's the morning after now, and I read the whole thing (I haven't last night). I made a few grammar changes, but the article remained intact. This is my first published Late Night Thought, an experiment, if you will. Like most people, I spend a few hours thinking, just thinking, before going to sleep. I'd like to know if those few hours spent only go to waste, or if there was some profound value in it.

Before I pulled out my laptop, I had a million ideas. My mind is racing. Here goes.

I had been lying in my bed, thinking about him. How it's all different now.

It started when I remembered we argued this morning because of something he said I thought was insensitive. He's immature, always been. He never really bothered to check in with anyone's feelings, – or I don't know, maybe he just doesn't know or maybe he can't. We fought over his being insensitive and reckless a thousand times before, I'm not sure whether he does it on purpose, doesn't learn, or it's his default setting. We fight about it all the time, and I admit I easily get mad, but I also easily get over it. One of the things that had not changed since the breakup.

Ah, the breakup. It seems I always blame that period of my life to almost everything happening to me, not just within our relationship, but my relationship with other people as well. True, I honestly think that I went through so much soul-searching during that breakup that it is impossible that it did not ripple beyond my first real romantic relationship. Almost every bit of experience and fleeting feeling I got since then I know is somehow connected with the things that happened during that breakup. Simply put, I know it has changed me, and I'm only beginning to see a part of its effects.

I need help. I need help processing this, understanding this. It's been one hella relationship and I don't want to poke holes in it. But there's something different this time, something I believe I may be able to explain, understand even, but refuse to accept, at least right now.

The breakup has given me a chance to see a version of myself that is not in love with him.

Not that I was able to move on in that amount of time (if I had moved on from being in love with him I don't think we would have been able to get back together), but that I had to tell myself, convince myself, force even, that I should get on with my life as a whole person that I am, not a love-sick, affection-dependent little girl. Hey, he was my first boyfriend and it was my first breakup. It was difficult. I was his girlfriend for the most part of my young adult life, and the reality of not being able to do that anymore was devastating, not mostly because I love him etc etc but because it was what I was used to, it was the thing I was good at (apparently not enough), and hell, maybe even the only thing I knew how to do right. And getting over that really put up a fight.

(I wasn't as strong as people thought I was. Maybe I wasn't even as independent as people thought I was.)

The months following that breakup was a continuous rollercoaster of emotions, but it helped me be different about most of the things that happened with my life. As above, has given me a chance to see a version of myself that is not in love, not just with him, but with anything but myself. (Maybe I was too invested, gave too much of myself in that relationship). The process was heartbreaking, but I think for one moment or two, I became that person. It was freeing, it felt peaceful. It felt like home. It was a total acceptance: first, that there was no way to control anything that happened; second, that I am free of the responsibility since I wasn't in control, therefore also free of guilt of failure; and third, that I can make better decisions now, armed with this self-acceptance.

It was generally a better feeling; putting myself on the stage first was one of the best things I did in this relationship. When we got back together, I was more mature, I handled most problems differently. I was fresh, singular, different.

After that last sentence, I fell asleep.

Needless to say, this is an unfinished article and I choose to maintain it that way. As I read this, I came up with a lot of things I could have added, but I didn't. I want to prop up the spontaneity of this article, and maybe even write more similar to this

Corollary to the spontaneity I'd like to be proud of, from here on out I am not apologizing nor will I ever for whatever confusion or mess my Late-Night articles have caused and will ever cause.