Late Night Thoughts – Midnight of
June 24th 2015
I wrote this last night. It's the
morning after now, and I read the whole thing (I haven't last night).
I made a few grammar changes, but the article remained intact. This
is my first published Late Night Thought, an experiment, if you will.
Like most people, I spend a few hours thinking,
just thinking, before going to sleep. I'd like to know if those few
hours spent only go to waste, or if there was some profound value in
it.
Before I pulled out my laptop, I had a
million ideas. My mind is racing. Here goes.
I had been lying in my bed, thinking
about him. How it's all different now.
It started when I remembered we argued
this morning because of something he said I thought was insensitive.
He's immature, always been. He never really bothered to check in with
anyone's feelings, – or I don't know, maybe he just doesn't know or
maybe he can't. We fought over his being insensitive and reckless a
thousand times before, I'm not sure whether he does it on purpose,
doesn't learn, or it's his default setting. We fight about it all the
time, and I admit I easily get mad, but I also easily get over it.
One of the things that had not changed since the breakup.
Ah, the breakup. It seems I always
blame that period of my life to almost everything happening to me,
not just within our relationship, but my relationship with other
people as well. True, I honestly think that I went through so much
soul-searching during that breakup that it is impossible that it did
not ripple beyond my first real romantic relationship. Almost every
bit of experience and fleeting feeling I got since then I know is
somehow connected with the things that happened during that breakup.
Simply put, I know it has changed me, and I'm only beginning to see a
part of its effects.
I need help. I need help processing
this, understanding this. It's been one hella relationship and I
don't want to poke holes in it. But there's something different this
time, something I believe I may be able to explain, understand even,
but refuse to accept, at least right now.
The breakup has given me a chance to
see a version of myself that is not in love with him.
Not that I was able to move on in that
amount of time (if I had moved on from being in love with him I don't
think we would have been able to get back together), but that I had
to tell myself, convince myself, force even, that I should get on
with my life as a whole person that I am, not a love-sick,
affection-dependent little girl. Hey, he was my first boyfriend and
it was my first breakup. It was difficult. I was his girlfriend for
the most part of my young adult life, and the reality of not being
able to do that anymore was devastating, not mostly because I love
him etc etc but because it was what I was used to, it was the thing I
was good at (apparently not enough), and hell, maybe even the only
thing I knew how to do right. And getting over that really put up a
fight.
(I wasn't as strong as people thought I
was. Maybe I wasn't even as independent as people thought I was.)
The months following that breakup was a
continuous rollercoaster of emotions, but it helped me be different
about most of the things that happened with my life. As above, has
given me a chance to see a version of myself that is not in love, not
just with him, but with anything but myself. (Maybe I was too
invested, gave too much of myself in that relationship). The process
was heartbreaking, but I think for one moment or two, I became that
person. It was freeing, it felt peaceful. It felt like home. It was a
total acceptance: first, that there was no way to control anything
that happened; second, that I am free of the responsibility since I
wasn't in control, therefore also free of guilt of failure; and
third, that I can make better decisions now, armed with this
self-acceptance.
It was generally a better feeling;
putting myself on the stage first was one of the best things I did in
this relationship. When we got back together, I was more mature, I
handled most problems differently. I was fresh, singular, different.
After that last sentence, I fell
asleep.
Needless to say, this is an
unfinished article and I choose to maintain it that way. As I read
this, I came up with a lot of things I could have added, but I
didn't. I want to prop up the spontaneity of this article, and maybe
even write more similar to this
Corollary to the spontaneity I'd
like to be proud of, from here on out I am not apologizing nor will I
ever for whatever confusion or mess my Late-Night articles have
caused and will ever cause.
"The breakup has given me a chance to see a version of myself that is not in love with him."
ReplyDeleteThis line struck me the most because there's an important truth in it.
As you are back together, realize that it's necessary for you to sometimes go back to that version of yourself, for two reasons.
First, it removes your rose-colored lenses, which helps you see his truth. You are able to clearly distinguish his good and bad in its neutral form, without bias or justification.
This is important because loving someone means accepting their reality, and not the person you see with your loving version.
Second, and more profoundly, it allows you to go back in time; and relive the experience, in your mind, of how you fell in love with the person.
This is important because your relationship will continuously be tested by different circumstances, as all relationships do, and having the power to remember the reasons why you chose him in the first place is a potent solution that can cure the ailments of misunderstanding and disagreements.